the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
