I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
