I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
