I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
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