Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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