Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
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