Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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