Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I still have a little drunk in my system
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
