checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
