does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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