So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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