the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
