then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
