I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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