I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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