She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
