She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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