my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You are a booty call, not a friend.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
