Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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