Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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