Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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