My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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