now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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