Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
