He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
