I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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