he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
