seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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