ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
