Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
