so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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