don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
