Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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