A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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