well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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