she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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