My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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