A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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