When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I am midnight drunk by noon
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
