genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
The best revenge is premature balding
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Randomize
