OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
