Will you blow on my dice?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
