call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
