Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
