summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
