Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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