My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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