like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
