Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
