My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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